By: Elaine Dumler & Bryan Dumler

Does it feel like you're living in a "virtual family"? Do conversations with your kids depends on how well you've memorized their e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers? Being the speaker in our family, I've discovered that that's the way my son feels about getting hold of me, too. Is family togetherness an impossibility? I sure hope not. My 18-year-old son and I wrote this article together to help share insights on making togetherness commonplace.

Your family is the most important thing in life. It can be hard to keep it together and fun when one person travels a lot. We're here to give you some ideas. When we learn about family balance, we often hear tips from the adults on what they think should be done to achieve time together. This article takes a different perspective.

Bryan: My mom and I have been going to NSA Conventions since 1994. That means I've attended that NSA Youth Program for eight years: six years as a participant and two years as a youth leader. Some of my closest friends are the children of other speakers. We keep in touch all year and look forward to seeing each other at the Convention in the summer. This year I had a chance to talk with kids about how they keep family balance, and exactly what they think works. We're bringing the ideas to you, straight form the horse's mouth, so to speak. I asked them what keeps their families together. What works and what doesn't. Do you want to know what you kids think is important?

Elaine: We've used first names only where we had permission, and all ideas come directly form speakers' children, except where noted. A couple of parents shared some thoughts too. Through his, we discovered how important traditions are to kids. We're bringing you ideas, many of which revolve around small traditions that remain constant in their lives. Our wish is that you will find one or two ideas that work for your families to keep you together, even when you're apart.

Kids Ideas- Danielle says, "Living with a public speaker is definitely an amazing experience. I have found that the unexpected always happens and spontaneity (must) be commonplace. We make a pact to eat dinner together almost every night we can. We sit on the back porch and let the world pas us by. Our family also throws family get-togethers…and we reunite all the cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. It is easy to deal with the pressures of having a speaker in the family when you designate time to be together as a family."

"The frequent absence of a parent really emphasizes the importance of the time tat is shared. In the sense, it seems that good values are permanently instilled by a tight-knit family. Family dinners and occasionally a vacation to a place where the parent is speaking are things that have really helped t o keep my family tight." - Zac.

"A lot of times our family sits down and watches a movie together or goes out and eats and talks about what is going on in our lives. Once a week we also have a family meeting and we have a short discussion form the Bible and then talk about stuff. That's about it…but it's effective." - Paul

Amanda shared some great ideas: "In my family we travel a lot with my Mom. Therefore we get to see many places and spend more time with her. When we are unable to do that, she makes sure to call us a lot, sent us postcards, and brings us back presents form where she traveled to. We talk about what we have been up to and she tells us about her work. When it is possible, my family likes to help my Mom get ready for her work before she leaves, like putting workbooks together. I used to make thank-you cards for her to send to her clients. (As a result) we get to spend extra time as a family, instead of her just doing her work. Most important, we attend NSA meetings together as a family, including the youth conference. Because of this, we see it as a bonus, and it is so worth it to be able to experience NSA as many others never get to." Thanks, Amanda!

John replies: "As for ideas, we plan a day with the family every month. We are not talking about going to the movies or watching TV. We're talking a day at the park or the fair or on a boat, with no friends of the family, but only the kids and the parents, with the speaker of the family there every time. Also, make sure that the speaker makes it to at least 50 percent of the kids' athletic events."

I liked Dacia's response: "My grandfather is the speaker, so I'll still give you some ideas. My grandfather always brought us something from the place he had been. Whether it was a piece of candy or a T-shirt, we always had something we could say was from "San Francisco" or someplace. We would get together as a family and make ice cream floats, have movie night, go to the open air theater and see plays. We would go to a nice restaurant for dinner. Sometimes we traveled with them and went sightseeing while my grandfather worked. We made homemade caramel and put it on popcorn or snow ice cream. It has become a tradition. My grandparents attended as many events/ sports games, etc. as they could when they were in town."

Bryan: Here are a couple of traditions from my own family: When my Mom and I go to the Convention, my Dad takes the time and goes on a golf/tennis vacation with his best friend, Jack. They drop us off at the airport, go to Arkansas for vacation, then they pick us up on the way back. So while Mom and I are together, Dad's doing something he wants to do, too. Ever since I've been in kindergarten, Mom had a funny saying she told me every morning when I left for school. When she traveled, I missed it. So she bought a picture frame where you can record 10 seconds of your voice. She recorded what she told me, and I can play it when she's on the road.

Elaine: While learning about all the wonderful way that families practice togetherness. I heard one thought from Matt that made me take notice. He said, "You know, sometimes the time away is nice." He said that when his Dad was gone, it was nice occasionally to spend time alone. He liked being responsible for himself. Now all of us who travel can relinquish some of that guilt w carry around about being gone. It's an opportunity for our children to begin to learn some independence. They like it.
I also asked Bryan about how we handled the family balance when I was traveling. He said that he liked it when I tried to schedule trips around the important events to him. That meant that I had to ask him what he wanted me here for. There was no way I was gong to miss his Senior Prom! He also said that he liked getting phone calls. I can't imagine traveling without a cell phone where he can reach me if he has something that he just has to share with me. I also set up a toll-free number to ring at home. This makes it easy to call home from anywhere, even when I can't get a signal on the cell phone.
We've heard 17 ideas from the kids and others on what they like to have happen in their lives to achieve balance. I've learned that it's not the big things that are important to them. They remember and build their lives around the small traditions that we instill and maintain. They like the familiarity of those times with the family. How refreshing!

Bryan: Yea, but I still like what Zac said about discipline: When his Dad came home he didn't want a week's worth of scolding. He said, "It's the lectures! They go on and on and you think, 'Gee, I wonder if he realizes he isn't getting paid for this one!'" That was the best!

Elaine and Bryan: Thanks for reading, and we hope we've helped you start thinking about how to set "togetherness traditions" in your own families. Take care!

Reprinted with permission. Originally published in Professional Speaker magazine Jan/Feb. 2001